This Thanksgiving one really great thing we were thankful for was...

First there was us. Two crazy people in love and ready to share our lives not just together, but eventually with a little one:



We tried to conceive for quite a while, but with no success. =(

So, we went to an obstetrician who specialized in infertility who then after a few months referred us to another professional, a reproductive endocrinologist:



After finally finding the cause of our infertility and then following a surgery in March we were ready to begin the in vitro fertilization process!!

But first we needed a WHOLE lot of these:



With our account settled (thanks in a huge part to the in-laws!) we were ready to begin the protocol *cue up 2001 theme music here*

Onto the drugs... bring on the shots!



Whoa! Hold on one minute...Is that a maniacal grin on the face of my shot giver??



Many many many shots later...



I had plenty of oocytes ready for retrieval:




in fact WAY too many. The promising ones were getting crowded out and beginning to slow in development. It was time for the retrieval!

Off to the famous...



We go...
Well right next to Rodeo drive anyway!

Now all we needed was some lil swimmers:



After Dirk made an *eh hem* deposit at the assisted reproductive technologies center all was set for nature errr... science to work with the help of an embryologist, a very good microscope:



A petri dish and a test tube!





Later we got the news that we were the proud parents of five embryos!

Sadly, they couldn't be transferred just yet due to being hyperstimulated from all those hormones coursing through me.

Suspended animation- it's not just science fiction! Just a few cells big our new little embryos were cryogenically preserved until I was healthy enough to proceed with the transfer.

They weren't stored in a refrigerator/freezer like this:



A cryopreservation tank, like this one, was their home from July 12 until October 8th:



In September I began preparation to have the transfer and on October 9th it happened. Ok perhaps it's not as romantic as the traditional method of conception, but you gotta take what you can get!



The dreaded two week wait began with two full days of strict bed rest. I did get breakfast in bed, however. Oh wait I got breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed. ; )

During the transfer my doctor said I could come in a couple days early to find out the results if I wanted and he wouldn't tell anyone. Well of course I want to come in sooner!

On October 21 (12 days post transfer) we received a positive result from a home pregnancy test and an official confirmation from our doctor... We are expecting!!



On October 31, we had our first ultrasound and found TWO gestational sacs! We were still unsure if we were actually expecting twins because it was still very early.

On November 14 we saw two growing embryos and two strong heartbeats. The doctor was surprised and optimistic!

At our most recent ultrasound, the day before Thanksgiving, we saw one of our little ones moving around (which was really neat, but also strange to see). Both are growing like weeds and have strong little hummingbird heartbeats. With two in there I am really starting to show, which was initially hard for me, but I am beginning to adjust. It is all definitely worth it!

Although we are still in the first trimester, the doctor feels very good about my pregnancy and has put our risk of miscarriage at only 5 percent now. Only two and a half more weeks to go to the second trimester and I can't wait!!

Have a spooktacular Halloween!!

This Halloween will be a scary one, but definitely not in a good way! = (

*Photo from Reuters

The sun is dark orange and ash is falling down. A couple days ago the ash was made up of fine particles easily seen on my black car. Today the ash is coming down like a fine sprinkling of snow. It's easy to catch these larger pieces in my hand. We went to Trader Joes to get some groceries, after loading the car I lifted a large piece of ash off the trunk with my finger and Dirk said "that could have come from someone's house that had burned".

We feel so very sad and sickened by all of the homes that were lost in these fires. We partially know what that feels like. Four years ago this coming Nov. 1st, two weeks after our wedding, we also had a house fire. We were extremely fortunate because the firemen were able to save the bottom floor of our home, but our top floor was destroyed. Our fire was our own fault, we left candles burning unattended upstairs while we went to get something to eat in the kitchen. The one thousand plus people that have lost their homes in the past several days lost theirs mostly due to arson. Our faith in humanity has dropped a notch. We empathize with the devastation the people that lost their homes feel and we know the long road they have before them.

There is no way you can prepare yourself fully for such a thing. What do you take before you evacuate? The real value of things becomes much clearer when faced with such a decision. Hopefully, most of those people were given at least some time to decide. We were not afforded that because the fire moved so quickly. Our most precious valuables were our lives and the lives of our pets (not even a pair of shoes mattered at that point). The most basic of needs is to have the people and animals you love safe and sound; precious pictures and documents can't take precedence over that.

I wish I could take away the pain for the families that have been effected by these fires, but all I can say is I am sorry. My heart aches for their loss. I hope that they will soon be able to begin the process of rebuilding their homes and lives.




Not a good picture of me, but it does show the burned little paws of our kitties Orion and Cassiopeia = (

The dreaded two week wait is over! It was harder than I imagined it would be, every twinge or lack of is analyzed in every excrutiating detail. Obsession is an understatement. Days when you feel nothing are spent depressed and assuming the worst. On other days reality peeks in reminds you that it is ok not to feel something this early. I speculated on every twinge and pull I felt. Is that good? Should I feel that? Or is that a bad sign? Crazy making I do say! I tried very hard to focus my attention elsewhere, but that is easier said than done. We have been trying for a long time and IVF is our only hope. A lot has been riding on these frostie embryos! I apologize for not blogging. It was hard to think about writing during this time. I didn't think my obsession would make for good reading for myself or anyone else. I am emerging from my cave now and hope to continue to share this journey with you all! = )

The big day has arrived at long last. It has been such a long road to get to this point and on October 23 we will know an official decision either way. This will be a huge relief. We are both a jangle of nerves right now. Today, they will be giving me a Valium during the procedure, maybe this is a good thing hehe.
Last night we looked at the wonderful book A Child is Born by Lennart Nilsson, in it there are incredible scientific pictures (electron microscopy and other) of all stages of the pregnancy process. It felt very real and exciting to see pictures of 4-day blastocysts (approximately what they will be implanting in two short hours).
Yesterday, they thawed our 5 embryos (we still do not know how many survived), if there are 4 good ones then they will transfer 4 (very low possibility of quadruplets thankfully). We feel constantly amazed by this process. A good side to having this happen to us is the opportunity to be intimate with each and every step of what it takes to create life. Today the doctor will give us our first "baby" picture of the embryos that are transferred. How cool is that? = )

**Update:
Everything went really well today! We had three very good embryos transferred. There was some miscommunication with my doctor and the ART center so subsequently they only thawed the three best ones, but now we have two left frozen just in case. The transfer went really well and the team felt good that they were able to successfully place them in what is considered a good "fertile" area.
Now we wait, I am on strict bed rest for two days (can't even shower blech) and then afterwards very limited physical activity. D set me up with my computer and the network next to the bed (isn't he sweet?) We took a bunch of pictures to document the process, like the one above. In that one D is holding a picture of the embryos taken this morning at about 7 am and the other picture is an ultrasound after they had been transferred. The embryos show up as a decent sized white dot in the picture (they called it the North Star). Tomorrow, I will try to get a little photo journal up of our big day.

Thank you to all our friends and family that have been so supportive of us during this process. Your well wishes and friendship mean the World to us! = )

~The Last Hurrah: a spooktacular tale of terror

This past weekend we decided that before a successful embryo transfer might end my thrill seeking roller coaster riding days for the foreseeable future, we should head to DisneyLand and Disney California Adventure for one last hurrah.

A mere four weeks after the tragedy at Big Thunder Railroad, we found
ourselves at California Screamin' in DCA ready to try our luck.




After waiting in line, and assurance being given to the more
reluctant member of our couple (I'll let you guess who that was), we found ourselves locked in and ready to be launched for our journey on the tall, steel roller coaster.


Here's Dirk smiling in anticipation:



After the initial exhilarating acceleration, we twisted, we rose, we
plummeted, we inverted and otherwise hurtled along the track...

...until our train came to a SCREECHING and ABRUPT halt. Ok, I can't
verify the screeching part - but if it had been a car, there definitely
would have been screeching involved. The deceleration was swift and
extremely UNexpected.

So there we were - suspended high above DCA...at a dead stop...on the
tracks...





As you can well imagine, this delay produced no small amount of worry
amongst some of the trapped riders.





A minute later the attraction's PA system encouraged us to remain calm,
informing us that there was a "difficulty" preventing us from
continuing our journey...
must remain calm, *deep breathe*, must remain calm

Sometime later Crystal, a cast member, clambered up
the catwalk to personally assure us that everything was fiiiine and to let us know that while they couldn't let us out of our trains, the Maintenance Engineers would be along directly to rescue us.




Still stuck. Still waiting. Cast member Aaron came by to once again let us all know
that everything was going to be A-Ok.



However, some remained skeptical.



In the meantime, when we weren't snapping silly pictures of each other, we surveyed some more scenery from our lofty perch.




And Crystal helped us record our adventure for posterity.



Eventually, the Maintenance Engineers made their way to our train.
Using precautions such as latching their safety harnesses firmly to the
structure, they released our restraints and helped us onto the catwalk.




Upon reaching good old terra firma, we celebrated our survival!




I couldn't have asked for a more exciting last hurrah.
Unbelievably, our wild ride didn't end there, but that is a tale for another day...
stay tuned for part two in our spooktacular tale of terror!

~Bella Tuscany~


What if you didn't feel uncertainty...Are you exempt from doubt? Why not rename it excitement?

(excerpt from: Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes)


In one week we will be undergoing our embryo transfer. I feel a mix of excitment and absolute terror that I might be pregnant in just over a week. Some women seem to know right off that motherhood is their path in life and some, take me for instance, are a bit more unsure. I do have a maternal side to myself (I mean I DO have 5 fur, and 2 feathered children), but I also feel quite a bit of anxiety about being someone's mom. I know this is a universal fear for the first time parent (well hopefully anyway). I am a perfectionist under most circumstances, and for the most important job I will ever have in my life I want to do it right. I will have my fair share of challenges most resulting from an upbringing that was less than ideal, but many have gone before me that have also had similar issues and have risen to meet them head on. Armed with some tools I know that the chains of the past can be broken, I have already been working on this for many years myself. If I do nothing right but raise a person with the knowledge that they are loved unconditionally for who they are, somehow impart on them a healthy sense of self, while giving them the gift of empathy then I feel that in some measure I will have done my job well.


For the past ten days I have been taking hormones to prepare my body for the transfer and possible pregnancy. This new surge of hormones has manifested itself in interesting ways. Mostly, I have been a little obsessive... ok maybe a little more than a little. For example a couple of days ago our neighbor came by and said that a vine we have growing in our yard had climbed over the wall and was going up one of their trees. I apologized profusely then proceeded to go out and yank as much of the aforementioned vine as humanly possible despite it now being dark outside. We have a few trees out back that have served as a sort of ladder for the vine to climb and get over the wall. I decided then and there that not only must the vine come out, but so must the trees. Poor D comes home to a frantic wife who has decided that we must go out that very minute and purchase a chainsaw for some trees need to be felled bright and early the next morn. Needless to say he was very hesitant, not to mention a tad frightened at the thought of his chain saw wielding hormonal wife. After some serious convincing and promises not to hurt myself (yes honey I will take every possible precaution) off we went to Home Depot. The following morning my new chain saw went to work clearing the yard of the perceived evil that is running amok. Several trees later (including the cutting down of an innocent Italian Cypress that neither one of us really loved) I felt a certain sawers remorse set in. Although, I come from a long line of loggers for Weyerhaeuser Corp. in Washington state I can not hide the fact that at heart I am a tree lover (call me hugger if you will). As I mourn the loss of the old I also think about all of the exciting options for the new. A metaphor for my own changing life. Exciting changes are on the horizon; it's time to strap myself in... this might be a bumpy ride!

Meow! Who knew?


You're a vinyl/fetish corset. Grrrrowl.


What corset are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Today, I was saddened and surprised to hear about the death of John Ritter last night.
As a teenager I watched plenty of Three's Company re-runs, and thought he was always fun to watch. I also enjoyed his new show 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter, where he played the father of two teenage girls and a son. He was definitely too young to die and I will miss his television presence.

Last night we went out to dinner with Paul and Carol at Typhoon. It was my first experience seeing actual insects on a menu, and no I didn't try any ; )
The food was very good (especially the eggplant) and had lots of garlic (yum!). The sunset was beautiful last night and our view was wonderful.The restaurant is at the Santa Monica airport overlooking the air strip so you can watch the airplanes take off and land which reminded me of one of my all time favorite movies Always.

After dinner we went to see the play Journal of the Plague Year based on the Daniel Defoe novel 1722 Journal of the Plague Year. It was an excellent one man play that brought to life, through the eyes of a survivor, some of the devastation and ultimate political reaction caused by the epidemic. Adapted and performed by Stephen Legawiec, the play successfully draws you into London's east side and gives you a glimpse of what it was like to live during this tragedy. Sadly, tonight is the last show, but if you are in the Santa Monica area I recommend it!


~Special Postscript: Happy Birthday C-man!!! = ) *hug*

This past Saturday we went to the beach. It was quite breezy, which made it a nice day for flying kites, and as you can see there wasn't a cloud in the sky!


In my old age I have become more cautious with exposing my skin to the harsh rays of the sun. Gone are the days of slathering my body with Hawaiian tropic oil (spf 0 mind you) and baking in the sun until crispy crackly with a ice cold Tab by my side. So what's a girl to do?

Find a pretty pareo to wear:



Sit on the warm sand surrounded by pretty shells:



Show off your artistic side:



Watch a kite flying master at work:



Cool off by dipping your toes in the Pacific Ocean:



Force your friends to pose for goofy self-portraits:



and last but certainly not least...give your guy some lovin' in the warm summer sun!

Syritta pipiensha: Order Diptera

Thanks to 'Nise I am finally becoming Fly, and my home is all the better for it!

~~~Bzzz....

It truly is amazing how easy it is to let a few things slide here and there and before you know it you have a veritable Mt. St. Helens in your home ready to erupt at a moments notice (or in our case several small volcanoes scattered about indiscriminantly). It doesn't help that we have a wee bit of a problem with pack rat fever. Thankfully, with impending parenthood priorities are shifting and throwing/giving away is beginning to feel very liberating indeed.

Alas, it is time for me to go shine my sink! ; )



*Photo from Garden Safari

"Someday we'll find it...The Rainbow Connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me."

Wrong frog... this is my garden frog he watches over my garden. However, none to well as the snails have still managed to sneak their way in and eat up many a good plant. Favorites have been marigolds and the peppers I had planted in hopes of a nice summer harvest alas...

I went out in the hot sun today, got a little dirt under my fingernails and a little pink on my cheeks while working in my small garden. It felt wonderful! I am getting some sweet little cherry tomatoes coming in late in the season, and couldn't resist taking a picture to share.




I also got to indulge by lying in the hammock (after toiling in the hot sun first of course) curled up under the shade of an umbrella with the novel Girl with a Pearl Earring. A fictional tale about the famous 17th century Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer and his most famous yet also mysterious painting...

"Girl with a Pearl Earring"



In my earlier college years I took one class of Renaissance Art History and fell in love. Had I not been so set in studying Biology, who knows? ; )
I feel lucky to have had the experience of that class and to have gained an appreciation of both the art and architecture of the period. This I am sure has a lot to do with my interest and love of the novel so far. In my minds eye I can see Griet in Vermeer's studio, opening the shutters, and the morning sunlight falling softly on the easel and canvas. I can almost smell the earthy aroma of the attic where Griet and Johannes grind ingredients for new paint.

Due to the popularity of this book a movie will be coming out in December starring Colin Firth as Johannes Vermeer. Needless to say I am looking forward to it and it doesn't hurt that I am a Colin Firth fan either. = )
A small part of me knows that I will most likely be a little disappointed. The book is quite detailed in its descriptions and it will be hard for the movie to fully portray that (and certainly not in the way I have created it in my own mind of course). All of this aside I have hopes that it will be one definitely worth seeing come Winter.
If I have peaked your interest a little here's a site from the novelist Girl with a Pearl Earring.


~A special postscript: Happy Anniversary Mike & Julie!! = )

Helloooo...
Today, I thought I would update everyone on our attempt at fertility. It has taken me a while to write about it again, mostly because it is so hard for me to talk about. The process has been hard on us emotionally, but we are still hopeful that we will have a happy outcome. Instead of the planned September frozen embryo transfer we must now wait until early November (most likely some time in the first week), this is because my ovaries were so large from the hyperstimulation complication that they do not want to risk rupturing. It can take 2-3 months for their size to go back to normal... so we wait. It has been hard to have the complication, be told we will have the transfer in September then have that changed. Going through the sequence of events (not to mention all the homones) you are not necessarily prepared for stops and delays to happen. I, personally, like all of the information up front (be it bad or good) so that I can sort it out and begin to deal with it for myself. I would have preferred that we were told "it might be September or as late as November", but alas that wasn't the case. I ended up feeling upset, a little angry, and enormously sad. D sort of shut down. We continue to talk about it together and we both feel as if we are in suspended animation, frozen like the embryos we are waiting for.

I belong to an online support community with other women going through infertility and have a few "cycle buddies" who actually went through the in vitro process at the same exact time as I did. Of the four women two (who were exactly on my schedule) are now pregnant and two more are in their two-week wait to find out. I feel happy for them, but feel left out at the same time. I continue to check on their progress and add notes of encouragement, but not without feeling some of that sadness that is like an enormous pool within myself. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I just feel a lump in my throat and can't talk or think about it any more. The unfortunate side of this is that our expectations are all the higher now. We have a lot riding on those 5 frozen embryos. An emotional and financial investment like none other that we have experienced. We do try to temper this with the knowledge that a lot still can go wrong. It can fail, or take and we lose them through a miscarriage. I don't know what we will choose if that is the case, it is something we don't want to think about too much. So at the moment we are trying to think positive, distract ourselves a little to make the time go faster, and at least for myself not get too caught up in the "should be me". This process is teaching us patience (or at least forcing us to be patient)! In the end, even if it is unsucessful I am sure we will say it was worth it because it is our only chance to get pregnant, and as I said before I do think it has made us an even stronger couple as a result. Now that can't be all bad! = )

It's Faire time!

I'm heading to Santa Barbara to the Heart of the Forest (next to the beach) for some mead, dancing, good grub, and fun!

Want to come along? = )

I am having a lot of difficulty with Blogger right now, most of the time it's not letting me publish. = ( When the problems get cleared up hopefully I can remove that screwy tag (below) and get back to posting and fixing my comments section.

Postscript:
Yay! The blogger staff got me back up and running again!

A pretty rose from my garden (something that hasn't completely wilted in the heat) = ).
Having trouble getting the comments section up, but I am working on it!

In Vitro Fertilization celebrates 25 years of helping couples conceive!!



A more detailed update is forthcoming. Things have been kind of difficult, but of course we knew they weren't going to be easy either. The short story is that I did become hyperstimulated, which was my fear, and as a result we can't do a transfer until September. I need to get healthy first.
The good news is that we are very lucky that we didn't have to cancel the ivf (it was close) and after an egg retrieval last Thursday we now have 5 frozen embryos waiting for us!! Most likely only 3 will survive the eventual thawing process, so there is still a possibility of triplets hehe. ; )