Tending the Garden
In my writings here since the babies have been born I have made it known that I love being a mom and more specifically I love being Lorelai and Kellen's mom! It has been a wonderful journey thus far, but it has been hard. I don't necessarily mean in the "Oh she has twins, that must be hard" kind of way. Lean closer and I will tell you what I mean...*whispers* yes I, too, suffered from post-partum depression (and please don't get me started about Mr. Cruise).
I have mostly tried to hide it with the exception of a few close people who know. I feel ashamed that I wasn't happy even though I now have these beautiful babies that I wanted so badly and tried so hard to conceive. After, almost two straight years of hormone injections to get to this point it's not an incredible surprise that this happened (that is if you believe in biochemical science and not "vitamin" philosophy). I have had moments of happiness in the past thirteen months, but more often than not I have been deeply depressed. I am fortunate in that I was able to go through the motions to care for my babies each and every day despite how I was feeling (there are many more new moms out there suffering that are finding it nearly impossible to even do that). The effect of my depression has been a withdrawl from almost everyone around me (often evident in my lack of posting here on the blog), even going to the store alone had become so very hard (and still is unfortunately). We got a family pass to the zoo (hoping that would help me), but I have only been able to go once although wanting to go much more. This saddens me. To be fair it can be so hard just getting out with the twins (still need to learn ways of managing this alone), but an unreasonable amount of this is the depression talking. The depression has also opened the door for old unresolved demons to pop their head in my present life making getting better that much harder.
Why am I talking about it now and in such a public forum? Well, partly for myself. To release some of the power this has had in my life and in some ways to let those closest to me know just what the heck has been up with me. I always thought there was truth in the saying "you're only as sick as your secrets". I also hope that by chance maybe someone will happen upon these ramblings and will in some way relate and find it helpful.
The road to recovery...It's been painfully slow, but on most days I am now seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. How did I do it? Stubbornly! I have taken the hard way (I don't recommend this), by not seeking help when I knew I needed it and being resistant to the idea of medication (even though I know that it can be extremely beneficial and doesn't need to be long term). Finally, I did see my OB and at her urging I did try an anti-depressant for a short while, but found I couldn't live with the side effect I experienced (severe exhaustion). I really was having a hard time taking care of the babies then.
Back to the drawing board... I am in therapy which has been great. I am forced to get out of the house, I have someone to talk to about all this crazy stuff, and she doesn't mind wrangling the babies with me for an hour. A win/win if you ask me. However, the depression still lingered. I knew I needed something healthy to obsess about, to get me out of my own head for a while each day.
After the birthday party was done (obsessing about that worked for a bit), the answer for me, as simple as it sounds, has been gardening. I was walking by my bookshelf one day after I had put the kids down for their nap and sitting there calling to me was my trusty guide to
Southern California Gardening . I opened it to June and learned that it wasn't too late to plant several different types of vegetables from seed. I just so happened to have a bunch of left over seed from a few years ago when I dreamt about starting a garden. So, I dug out the seeds and proceeded to learn what I needed to get them started (let the obsession begin). D was very supportive of my desire to start a garden and one hot June weekend dug out an area where we could lay out our boxes (we chose to mostly do the
square foot method of gardening since it made the most sense for our space). Soon seeds were planted and every day since I go to water and see what new little seedlings have emerged. My little green babies that have helped lead me out of the dark tunnel of despair. So far, I have had a moderate amount of success (despite the snails trying their best to thwart me). The best thing about it is that we are getting out of the house more. I was beginning to raise bats with the amount of time we were spending indoors. We hang out in our garden now and the kids get to play in their pool, sandbox, and playhouse regularly. I still have some dark days, but I believe most of that now is just from working through those old demons. I have two precious little ones that give me a good reason to do it, not to mention the goal to one day feel free from the past.
Now every day I am tending not only my garden of earthly delights, but my emotional garden as well.
Take a walk down my garden path:
Newly planted box
Today (three weeks later)
Planting description of one of our boxes
Breathe in that heady lavender scent
Arbor covered in grape vines! On one side we have planted Perlette seedless and on the other side we have Concord.
Grapes! Our only bunch this year from either vine. Fully ripened we picked it this week and oh boy was it good, so sweet!
Alas, we have much to learn in the ways of growing grapes.
Semi-Dwarf Eureka Lemon: my lemon tree! I love this tree; we planted it right before the babies birthday.
Punica granatum: my sweet pomegranate tree. We had a lot of blooms this year, but they all dropped so I don't think we are going to see any fruit come this winter. : (
I am ready for an Italian feast with all this delicious basil and my tomatoes! After dinner I can wind down with nice warm cup of fresh chamomile tea (bottom left).
Purple Beauty Bell Peppers
In addition to some regular pumpkins and gourds, we planted some wee be little pumpkins for the little ones; hopefully come fall we will have some fruit!
Not a "true" geranium, nope that there is a Pelargonium!
Verbena
