~Bella Tuscany~


What if you didn't feel uncertainty...Are you exempt from doubt? Why not rename it excitement?

(excerpt from: Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes)


In one week we will be undergoing our embryo transfer. I feel a mix of excitment and absolute terror that I might be pregnant in just over a week. Some women seem to know right off that motherhood is their path in life and some, take me for instance, are a bit more unsure. I do have a maternal side to myself (I mean I DO have 5 fur, and 2 feathered children), but I also feel quite a bit of anxiety about being someone's mom. I know this is a universal fear for the first time parent (well hopefully anyway). I am a perfectionist under most circumstances, and for the most important job I will ever have in my life I want to do it right. I will have my fair share of challenges most resulting from an upbringing that was less than ideal, but many have gone before me that have also had similar issues and have risen to meet them head on. Armed with some tools I know that the chains of the past can be broken, I have already been working on this for many years myself. If I do nothing right but raise a person with the knowledge that they are loved unconditionally for who they are, somehow impart on them a healthy sense of self, while giving them the gift of empathy then I feel that in some measure I will have done my job well.


For the past ten days I have been taking hormones to prepare my body for the transfer and possible pregnancy. This new surge of hormones has manifested itself in interesting ways. Mostly, I have been a little obsessive... ok maybe a little more than a little. For example a couple of days ago our neighbor came by and said that a vine we have growing in our yard had climbed over the wall and was going up one of their trees. I apologized profusely then proceeded to go out and yank as much of the aforementioned vine as humanly possible despite it now being dark outside. We have a few trees out back that have served as a sort of ladder for the vine to climb and get over the wall. I decided then and there that not only must the vine come out, but so must the trees. Poor D comes home to a frantic wife who has decided that we must go out that very minute and purchase a chainsaw for some trees need to be felled bright and early the next morn. Needless to say he was very hesitant, not to mention a tad frightened at the thought of his chain saw wielding hormonal wife. After some serious convincing and promises not to hurt myself (yes honey I will take every possible precaution) off we went to Home Depot. The following morning my new chain saw went to work clearing the yard of the perceived evil that is running amok. Several trees later (including the cutting down of an innocent Italian Cypress that neither one of us really loved) I felt a certain sawers remorse set in. Although, I come from a long line of loggers for Weyerhaeuser Corp. in Washington state I can not hide the fact that at heart I am a tree lover (call me hugger if you will). As I mourn the loss of the old I also think about all of the exciting options for the new. A metaphor for my own changing life. Exciting changes are on the horizon; it's time to strap myself in... this might be a bumpy ride!